Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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