Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
