my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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