have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
