What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
