I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
