I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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