im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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