We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
