Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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