I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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