her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
