I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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