Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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