just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
