He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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