I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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