i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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