Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
