If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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