she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
