I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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