Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
