please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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