i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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