I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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