so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my being single is dangerous.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
