The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
