Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
