dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
