i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Randomize
