We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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