Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
