Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
