I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
