its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hippo gnu deer
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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