If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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