She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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