The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
