I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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