Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
