Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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