Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
