I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
