Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
