thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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