8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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