I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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