I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My feet surprised me
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
