he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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